


Breathe With Me

by abc321



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Other, Panic Attacks, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 14:06:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5500067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abc321/pseuds/abc321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An insight into Levi's mind following the events of Chapter 69 - Eren stumbles across him and they help each other breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe With Me

**Author's Note:**

> tw : anxiety/panic attacks

In (two three four), hold (two three four) and out (two three four). Repeat until heart rate has returned to normal. Hanji had taught them all that. When your heartbeat is going so fast and you feel as though it’ll jump out of your throat- _breathe._

It happened sometimes. To all of them. That feeling bubbling up inside threatening to spill out, into what? Who knew? Levi didn’t want to know. If the breathing didn’t work a good sparring exercise or horse ride would.

But why was it happening _now_ of all times? It was over. Okay, not entirely over, they were still trapped inside these wretched walls but at least the whole overthrowing the government episode was out of the way. There had been minimal casualties. Which still wasn’t good enough but life in Survey Corps came hand in hand with casualties.

But Kenny.

He hadn’t expected that. It was why he hated dealing with people. They were unpredictable, did things that were unexpected.

_“I was unfit to be a parent.”_

What did _that_ mean? Who the _fuck_ was he to decide that? His mother sure as hell wasn’t fit to bring him up, hiding him under the bed or kicking him out to play with non-existent playmates when her ‘friends’ came over. He wasn’t stupid. He knew what his mother did to keep them alive and in the Underground that was all you could aim for. She was still there for him though. Bathed him, fed him and told him stories of a place that didn’t seem real until that first ride out of the walls. As a child it was all he had wanted. Someone to look after him. Hell, it was what he wanted now. But alas, the title of Humanity’s Strongest came with the ideology that he didn’t need anyone.

How fucking absurd.

It still tore him up. A gaping hole in his chest. Maybe he didn’t remember all of their names, there were too many that had gone, but he would get flashes of their eyes. Of determination and hope. Of trust in _him_. Wasn’t that great? To see them all lined up, fists clenched tightly over their offered hearts, admiration in their eyes for Captain Levi. Then there were those who had managed to worm their way into his heart, yes he was stoic but he still had one dammit, and he remembered how they would learn how to make his tea _just right_. Practically biting their tongue in excitement when he stated _not bad_ (okay it was only Auruo who had almost removed the appendage, everyone else had a large grin to offer instead).

They were family. Isabel and Farlan. His squad. Mike. They were his family. Sometimes he wished he had died alongside them. But then who would take care of the brats under his wing now? Who would make sure that crazy shit glasses washed their hair at least _once_ a week? He had lost so much but there was always the possibility to lose more. Which was why he had to fight.

He tilted his head back against the wall, ignoring the voice in his head telling him it had rained only a few hours ago and the brick was probably wet, the cobbled floor he was sitting on covered in all sorts of grime. It was quiet out and there were still many hours to go until sunrise. Levi quickly dabbed at his eyes when he realised he had been crying, looking up at the night sky. He knew it was stupid but he always felt as though the sky within the walls and the sky outside of it were not the same. Perspective and all that bullshit.

“Captain?”

Levi closed his eyes at the tentative quiet voice. Of fucking _course_ it was him who had to come outside.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Levi asked, eyes still closed.

“I couldn’t sir.” Eren said quietly.

Levi turned his head to look up at him, he had expected some sass or a cheeky retort but the look on the cadet’s face implied otherwise. He looked a lot older now, his expression similar to that worn by Springer when he had discovered the fate of his mother.

What a fucked up world this is.

(Levi ignored the voice telling him that he hated to see this despair on Eren’s face more than the others. Hated seeing the dulling of those once burning golden eyes.)

He motioned the area next to him and Eren took a seat beside him on the slightly damp ground. Not too close, but close enough that Levi could feel that abnormal heat radiating from him. He had to stop himself from leaning closer.

Apparently Eren did not exhibit the same idea, slumping his head onto Levi’s shoulder, unruly hair brushing against the side of his face. His hair smelled clean. Levi was about to ask what on earth he thought he was doing when he felt the first teardrop fall onto his collarbone. He stiffened up slightly and Eren mirrored the action, as though he expected to be thrown off any second. Levi ignored the twinge of guilt and was reminded by the fact that he himself had been crying not too long ago. He exhaled, slowly lifting his right arm to gently wrap around the boy’s broadening shoulders.

This triggered a whole load of actions, Eren buried himself deeper into the junction between Levi’s neck and shoulder, one of his hands were now fisted tightly into his shirt and his form was shaking with sobs. Levi swallowed and rested his head against Eren’s, his arm bringing the boy closer to him, as if it were a wing, as if he could protect him from the world.

“I-I ate him Captain. I _ate_ him.” Eren whispered into his neck. Levi pursed his lips and wet them, trying to think of any way to comfort him. “I k-know M-mikasa and Armin said it wasn’t my fault b-but I could see it in their eyes-s. Th-they think I’m a, a _m-monster_.” The volume of his voice rose uncontrollably as Eren tried to contain the hiccups, tried to calm his breathing.

_Breathe._

“Breathe with me Eren.” Levi stated clearly, his voice low. He could sense the boy’s confusion but went ahead with it.

In (two three four), hold (two three four) and out (two three four).

Levi held him closer when he heard Eren’s breath shake, so that he could feel his chest rise and to make Eren’s fall in sync with his. The fist clenched at his midsection relaxed, instead snaking around his waist. The hiccups subsided, however the steady stream of tears permeated through Levi’s nightshirt as they sat in silence, breathing.

“You’re not a monster.” Levi announced into the dark. He held the boy’s head down when he felt him begin to protest. “You’re not.” Levi swallowed, his mouth dry. “I’m sorry.” He said quietly. Eren turned his head slightly, a golden eye reflecting the moon peeking out beneath growing hair. Levi pursed his lips and prayed that he could say this right. “I’m sorry that it has to be you. I wish it wasn’t like this, I wish…” He faltered. Why couldn’t he be good with words?

“I know Captain. I know.” Eren whispered quietly. Levi frowned slightly.

“Come on.” He said, removing his arm and leaning away. Eren raised his head and looked up at him, a slight pout on his face. Levi tried not to roll his eyes. “My arse is numb.” Eren let out a snort and they both stood up, joints popping as they stretched cold and stiff limbs.

They both headed inside and Eren halted at the corridor that led to his room.

“Captain can I...?”

Levi didn’t wait for him to finish, instead pulling him in the opposite direction to his own room. It happened often, scouts would seek each other out after an expedition, to remind themselves that they were _alive_. It just didn’t happen often with him. Levi toed off his boots and climbed onto his bed before he could chicken out, sliding under the covers and looking up at Eren who was hovering at his side.

This time he did roll his eyes and moved over so that he was up against the wall making room for the growing kid who climbed in alongside him. Eren immediately latched on to Levi’s side, his head resting atop his heart. The boy closed his eyes to Levi stroking softly though his hair, the steady sound of a strong heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and they both tumbled into a merciful and dreamless sleep.

Perhaps in the morning, a frantic Mikasa would charge into the room, searching for Eren. Perhaps she would bury her nose into her worn out scarf as she took in the sleeping Captain and his subordinate before quietly closing the door and heading off to the kitchens to make breakfast, ordering the others to quieten down. They would be okay.


End file.
